Sometimes when I look back on my life decisions, I realise that a few of them may not have been the best, but by god have they been fucking weird and worth it. I had an idea a little while back to talk about my dating experiences and put it on my blog instead of getting drunk and telling them to a small audience in a flat at 2am. So here it is, part one (part two will be released if this does well) of some of the weird and worrying things that have happened to me whilst I’ve been dating.
- He asked for my brothers number
Let’s start things off with one of the calmer ones. So here we are, on our date, and I show him a picture of my brother when I was scrolling through my Instagram (at this stage I hadn’t mentioned it was my brother). My brother won’t mind me saying that he has been mistaken for a girl quite a few times too, so this lad looks me dead in the eye and says ‘If this doesn’t work out, can I have her number?’. I stare at him with a blank face, eyes and mouth wide open, and say ‘That’s my brother. He’s 14.’
2. He called himself a self identified meninist
Now if anyone follows me on any form of social media, you will know that I am quite strongly on the side of feminism. I assumed we just used the word meninist as a huge insult once in a while, but apparently not. He then proceeded to tell me that sexism wasn’t an issue in this country anymore and there was nothing we in the UK could do to help other countries, he believed there was no use trying as it wouldn’t affect us. I wish someone had slapped the shit out of me for watching a documentary on male rights activists for him. Oh, the things we do for a mediocre shag.
3. I rang my mam in someone’s bathroom because they were trying to have a threesome with me
I’d just drank a full bottle of wine and a couple of pints and got back to this lads house, he told me he had mulled wine and homemade fudge (which may or may not have been the only reason I stayed). We went outside and him and his female housemate had a cigarette, and then when we got back inside we were talking and out of the blue she just kissed him. Imagine the situation. I’ve drank my body weight in mulled wine, just having a chat, and then him and his housemate kiss. AND THEN SHE KISSES ME. She then says ‘are we going to do this?’, and my response was to run into the bathroom and ring my mam.
4. He asked me if I liked his mam’s tits….
… and then proceeded to say ‘they look great don’t they, so realistic’. Freud would have been all over that one.
5. He asked permission to masturbate over me
Now you might be thinking ‘alright, decent lad, doesn’t want to invade your mental privacy’, but no. This was my ex’s best friend who confessed how much he fancied me around two days after we broke up. What did he expect me to say? ‘Of course! This is a dream come true!’
6. He showed me videos of his mates arsehole on the first date
We’re sat in the pub and he tells me that him and his mates sometimes fuck about on Omegle, and he asks if I would like to see the videos. Me being me, I’m curious about everything so of course I said yes. He starts playing the video and it’s just two lads chatting away and one asks if the person on the other end of the video would like to play a game, to which he says yes. Within a matter of seconds, a large man comes on the screen and pulls his arse cheeks apart, full arsehole on view. I’m glad I’d had a few pints by this point. I still see this man’s arsehole in my nightmares sometimes.
7. I put a joint in my mouth backwards
Alright I’ve done some stupid stuff too, which I may reveal at a later date if this post goes well. I’m standing outside a block of flats, trying to impress this nerdy boy who I had met a couple of hours earlier. He passes me the joint, and in slow motion all I hear is ‘NO NOT LIKE THAT’. All I can say is, the weed smoked me that night. The weed smoked me.
8. He lied about his grandma dying
We’re gradually getting worse as we move down, but this one takes my dating life to a whole new level. We had been dating for a little while when one day he messaged me saying his grandma had died and he would like me to come to the funeral with him for support. On the day, I got ready and told him to message me when he was picking me up. He messaged me back saying the funeral had been cancelled because it was raining. Raining??? I asked if she had been taken out of the morgue and he said yes. So this poor woman thought she was finally getting laid to rest, they took her out of the morgue, defrosted her and thought ‘nah it’s raining, best refreeze her’. Long story short, turns out she hadn’t even died. If you’re going to lie about a family member dying, get your after-life facts right first.
9. He genuinely believed a man was living in his bush
We had been seeing each other for a little while and one day we were in bed and he said ‘there’s a man living in the bush outside you know’, baring in mind this bush was right outside his bedroom window. He took me outside and showed me some empty crisp packets and an umbrella in the bush, proof that there was someone living there. Sometimes he would watch out the window for movement. He was tall though.
10. He farted as he came
It happens to the best of us. This was the first time we had slept together though, and procedure calls for holding it in for at least a month before you let out a little toot. This was not a little toot. It was a slow poof with a little ripple. I completely ignored it and never mentioned it once. I think he was just a bit too relaxed.
In conclusion, I’ve had a bit of an odd time. This isn’t even half of the stories that I have from my dating life. So if you’ve enjoyed reading about my horrendous experiences, give me a follow and be ready for part two. I promise it gets much worse.