Back by slightly popular demand, here I am exposing some of the worst (and some tolerable) men that I have encountered during my dating life. I hope you all enjoy this as much as the last one, although reading it back I feel like I might need to call my therapist to help me understand some of the decisions I’ve made in my life.
1. He tit punched me in his sleep
Alright, it wasn’t as much of a punch as it was an elbow, but I swear he hit me so hard I ended up with one tit on the front of my body and my poor other tit popping out my back. He might as well have double tapped and elbow dropped me. So if you see me walking about with one tit looking a bit deflated, mind your business
2. He bit my ear so hard he destroyed my cartilage
Remember when we were younger and we had a big fear of going to Claire’s for our piercings and getting our cartilage broken? I never thought this would happen to me in Newcastle’s shittest accommodation. Everyone likes a bit of rough sex, but not fucking broke bones. I couldn’t sleep on my right ear for about two weeks afterwards and all he could say was ‘you said you liked it rough but you obviously don’t’. Hun if you said you liked a bit of teeth that wouldn’t mean I’d see that as an opportunity for a light snack, would it?
3. He told me he burned his house down half way through the date
So this lad had barely talked to me all night and when I asked why he said ‘I don’t open up to people easily’, fair enough, just because I’m telling you about my secondary school trauma doesn’t mean you need to tell me about yours. I’m sat drinking my Guinness, pretty awkward silence, and he just goes ‘I burned my family home down and had to move cities’. I’m thinking that he’s just knocked a candle or something over, oh no, this was on purpose. I swiftly ended the date by saying, ‘thanks, bye’ and never spoke to him again.
4. He cried his eyes out because Sir Bobby Robson died..
…in 2009. Now I know some of you reading this will remember this happening, and even though it was a while ago it still makes me laugh. So we’ve just had a night out and the lad I was with got smashed, and we stopped in the middle of Newcastle and he started crying. I asked him what’s going on and he just says ‘Bobby Robson died, they sacked him and he didn’t deserve it, he loved dogs’. I had absolutely no idea what to do, so of course I recorded the whole thing. Deep in my phone somewhere I still have videos of this poor boy having an existential crisis outside a church in Newcastle.
5. He facetimed his mam after we had sex
Is it me? Does my sex remind people of their mam? Am I living in Freudian times!? I don’t think so. This was the first time we had slept together and afterwards he just goes ‘oh shit, it’s my mam’s birthday’. He then proceeds to tell me to stay extremely still in the bed and not move or make a sound…and facetimes her. I’m sat listening in on all sorts of conversations that I definitely should not have heard, all whilst thinking ‘how do I get myself into these situations’. As I sit and write this, he is currently asleep in the bed behind me. Maybe I’m here because I think he’s sweet, maybe I’m here because he has blue eyes and a face that makes me forget how to speak. The more probable answer is that I’m here because I don’t know if I’m getting furlough and I need someone to buy me food.
6. He washed his whole body in bubble-gum hand soap
The kids version, might I add. This boy had a full time job and would wash every single part of his body and hair (yes, every single part) in bubble-gum hand soap. The worst of it is he didn’t even smell like bubble-gum. Whenever I get the sweet smell of bong water and a pot noodle sandwich, I always think of him. Enjoy this Tik Tok which includes my favourite sentence, ‘It was Treseme 3 in 1 and he used it for his hands, his body and his dishes’.
7. He showed me a photo of his sick
Do you ever wonder if you’re flirting right? If you’re giving off the right signals? Well let me give you this tiny piece of advice, if you’re ever out on a date, don’t open your photos and show your date a photo of your sick whilst saying ‘what do you think of this? Do you think it looks normal? It kind of looks like an off coloured water doesn’t it?’.
8. He told me about his piss bottle
Yes, you read that right. In quite a bit of detail, he explained to me that for around a week and a half, he kept a bottle next to his bed that he just pissed in to and would empty out of the window if he felt like being productive.
9. He posted a photo on his Instagram of a back tattoo
Doesn’t sound that bad does it? It was a large dragon tattoo from what I remember, and he was really proud of it too, he told the whole of our school year about it. And then he took his top off. Now, I don’t know if this is when my eyesight started to go bad, or maybe I had spontaneous colour blindness, but the tattoo wasn’t there. To this day I still have no idea why he lied about it, or if he had put his body in such a position that he was able to put one of them water based tattoos on his back, but I’m sure he’s still known for this little stunt.
10. He did improv
That’s it. That’s number 10.
I hope spending your evening judging my dating life had sparked some joy in all of you, because I think I’ve just went into a little crisis and will be hiding in my room eating vegan chocolate spread by the spoonful. Look out for my blog next week where I will be going through my worst (and possibly a couple of the best) tinder messages and conversations. Until then, enjoy these final bonuses:
- I kicked someone’s boyfriend out of a threesome and he started to cry
- I was known in sixth form as the girl who emailed the teacher telling him I wasn’t going to be in because I was too busy having sex. To this day I still don’t know who it was who managed to get my phone and email him, but I would love to know.
- He lied about putting a deposit down on a flat for us to move in to…I feel like this one needs expanding, I might do a big post on it one day.
- I told his flatmate that his soup was ‘fucking awful’ without realising it was home made. I replay this moment in my nightmares every night.